On “Re-Parenting”

The concept of re- parenting is widely used in family therapy, couple’s therapy or even in parent management training. For those of you, who might interpret the above words as “jargon”, let me explain.

As a therapist, we see a good number of parents. Some, who bring them to life, but don’t really know what to do with them. Some, who have such grand plans for their children, that even one lifetime is short, for their child to fulfil their unmet wishes, and then there are those who absolutely are oblivious to the concept of parenting and upbringing!

In the above cases and many, we as therapists introduce the idea of the many life cycle stages of a family. It’s interesting how the child is seen in many Indian families. Many parents continue to follow the same cycle which their parents followed, in technical ways it’s called an “inter- generational pattern”. Children are rarely given space to simply “be”. And after all that the child continues to do, comes a stage where confusion reigns supreme!

Many Indian parents continue to stretch the umbilical cord, which connected them to their child, way more than its capacity. Rarely is a space given or, for that matter offered, to a child to find his own identity! Jean Piaget’s developmental stage of “Identity Vs. Integrity” talks of finding answers to the most basic quest of “Who am I?” Unlike, in the west, where individualism truly offers a room to find one’s identity, here, instead of finding, it’s imposed on to the in-divide-ual! I think that’s primarily the reason that this stage stretches wee more to the adult years. So one will see a man, married, staying in a joint family, but still not able to find his “own” voice or a girl in her early twenties, working as an engineer, yet not being content in her life.

I truly believe, that as parents, people have, no right to control their children’s lives on their terms. Just because they bring them to this world doesn’t means they have a ‘license-to- rule’. This is not to say that parents don’t understand this, but when they do, it’s way too late. By then, the child comes to us, with innumerable behaviour or conduct problems. A behaviour that the family has been maintaining for the past 15 years can definitely not be changed in a month’s time. As therapists, we teach them‘re-parenting’. It emphasizes on teaching parents to set up limits, to offer space, at the same time connect with their child; in the process to understand the ‘person’ in them.

Parenting, much like health, has become a fad. Umpteen number of books to read and follow. However, what is essential is offering space, at every juncture, understanding their perspectives, letting them “be” and accept them for who they are! For the question is: “Did that little precious one stopped being precious just because you brought your perceptions mid- way?” What do you think?